Thursday, December 9, 2010

I Quit.

My head is swimming. It hurts a bit, too, now that you mention it. It hurts right up there in the temples, behind my eyes. You know – that part of the brain that controls…something. I’m frankly not quite sure what. All I know is that the sonofabitch is just throbbing these days.

The source of this headache? Politics.

I know, I know. I bring this shit on myself. I invite politics into my house; and like a vampire, inviting politics into your personal space is something you only do when you have a sick, twisted penchant for trouble and misery. Like the aforementioned vampire, politics will dazzle you and seduce you and invite you to care – only to leave you a dried, bloodless husk on the floor when it’s through with you. I know this because it has me in its icy grip. It’s had me for years. Anyone who knows me knows this. Many people say I care about it too much. Many more say I should just shut the fuck up about it. Valid points, all.

I’ve often wished I had a button deep down in my inner-workings that I could push to make me not care so much about this stuff. Believe me, if I had that button I would push it. Ok, maybe I would just consider pushing it. No sense in being hasty, right? Thing is, lately I think I really would push that button. It would be so much easier. So much less stressful. I’ve admitted that sometimes I wish I had a “God button” that I could push to make me believe in all that hoo-ha. Life would be so much simpler. Push it and have that comforting belief that an invisible man in the sky loves me and has my interests at heart and that eventually, no matter what toil and fuckery I commit here on Earth, I can just let slip a confession on my death bed and rocket away on greased rails to that big, all-inclusive resort in the sky. Easy, right? Well, I don’t have that button that shuts off my internal bullshit detector, so here I am. Stuck with the knowledge that this world is all we’ve got, and I’d better make the most of it because there is no all-inclusive resort in the sky, damn it. Sometimes ignorance, or at the very least wishful thinking, is bliss.

But these politics lately. These fucking politics.

The Hopi have this word – koyaanisqatsi. It means “a life out of balance” or “a life that calls for another way of living”. That’s the way the world feels to me right now. Everything is koyaanisqatsi. Everything is out of balance. (It sounds so much more poetic than saying that everything is fifty different shades of fucked up.) But it is fucked up. Lately it seems that everything is intertwined with this particularly nasty breed of partisan politics, and the sky is constantly falling and everyone is screaming and pointing their fingers and assigning blame for why everything has reached this point of widespread malaise and rage and dysfunction. The worst part? I’m part of the problem. I’m part of the finger-pointing and the vitriol and even if I only do it because I care passionately about the things that matter to me, it still means I’m contributing to the whole loud, stagnant mess.

I’ve frankly never been left at a confused, hair-pulling loss when it came to the political game before. There were just positions I supported and positions I didn’t, and it made everything so clear cut and clean and easy. Everything was red and blue. Black and white. Right and wrong. Easy. The problem is that lately the lines are starting to blur. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten that much more knowledgable about the system, and frankly have become horrified by what I’ve discovered. I’ve pulled back the curtain and I didn’t like what I found there, working the levers. Maybe it’s because politics has just gotten that much more corrupt and messy and soulless. Probably it’s equal parts both. Either way, I’ve gone down the rabbit hole and what lives down there is something that is bloated and nasty and dead behind the eyes, and no matter how hard I try I can’t un-see what has already been seen. The monster is neither red nor blue, and it has grown fat and happy on our bickering and our finger pointing and our money and misery. We’ve fed the beast, my friends, and it grows ever stronger.

I for one am done feeding it.

I’ve sat down to write this blog quite a few times over the last few months, only to get once again hypnotized by the garish spectacle and be sucked right back into the maelstrom. I’ve been like a junkie. A battered spouse. I just couldn’t seem to let go, even though the whole ball of wax just made me miserable and angry and I stayed even though I knew I should just walk away. Politics had become my Ike Turner.

Well, Ike – I’m walking out that door.

Lately I’ve been angry at Obama for bowing continually to corporate pressure. I’ve been angry at Democrats because a majority of them were so limp-dicked that they couldn’t stand up to a Republican minority. I’ve swung back and decided that maybe Obama isn’t so bad after all. I’ve been angry at Republicans because they don’t give a flying fuck about this country, save for that tiny percentage of folks at the top with all the money. I’m tired of the wars. I’m tired of lies and broken promises and the fact that the people who truly run this country have “CEO” after their names. I’ve swung back and decided that Obama is just another corporatist who will never be what I expect him to be. I’ve been angry at Libertarians for having the audacity to believe that corporations will do the right thing without regulation. I’m tired of being told that I should be grateful for the scraps we get after the wealthy and powerful have helped themselves. I’ve decided that the Democrats in Washington are just as committed to catering to the wealthy hands that feed as the Republicans are. I’ve been tired of the morons on cable news. I’ve been tired of the idiots who feel compelled to comment on news stories despite the fact that they can’t even spell three out of five words correctly. I’ve been tired of thinking about it all. I’ve been…tired.

So here I am, finally getting around to writing this much-imagined and mentally rehearsed break-up note to the slimy, rage-inducing world of politics that I’ve frequented for so many years. Frankly it feels good. It feels overdue.

Don’t misunderstand me – I’m not abandoning the democratic process. I’m never going to be one of those people who just doesn’t care and who stays home on election day and is content to just waste away in front of Dancing With the Stars while others determine the course of their future. That will never be me.

As an example, I’ve been approached and lectured and cursed by Christians many times in my life, and it has never changed my unwavering belief that their god just doesn’t work for me. I’ve realized that I can post facts and talk sense about politics until I’m blue in the face, and those people who don’t share my views will never give a shit. I can curse and yell and stomp my feet, and frankly that won’t have any effect either. It’s all screaming into the abyss, and I’m tired of wasting my breath while I do little more than preach to the choir. Because that’s essentially what I’ve been doing – preaching to the choir. That and pissing people off.

So that’s it. I’m tired and I’m done. I’m sure some of you will be as happy as pigs in shit that I’m shutting up about all this. The brainwashed conservatives and the Democrats in denial and the folks whose primary beef with my politics seems to be that I take sides rather than being indifferent, like some sort of wishy-washy dolt who is too cool to care about anything but looking cooler and smarter than everyone else in the room. Then again, maybe some of you will miss my rambling and complaining and pointing out of things that, at the time, I felt needed pointing out. Maybe I’m just being overly optimistic.

I’ve dabbled at the fringes of the Green Party, and I think that’s where I’m officially heading. They loathe corporate money in politics, don’t care if gays get married and look at war as a last resort. Frankly that’s enough for me at this point. I’m done pretending that either of the two major parties isn’t totally bought and paid for. If you think that supporting a third party means I’m “throwing my vote away”, then by all means keep that to yourself. I’ve heard that tired song before, and frankly I’m done justifying my continued participation in the corrupt mess that has become our two-party political process. I’m going to step back from the soap opera, and I’m going to stop rationalizing away the fact that by continuing to play the game I’m effectively killing this country by handing it over to whoever has the biggest bankroll. It will never cease to amaze me that the people who most consider themselves “patriots” are the ones who more often than not vote for a party that doesn’t give a fuck about them and is turning them into fodder for the corporate machine. Look in the Constitution and find the part about Bank of America having more rights than you. Let me know when you find it. Me? I’m going to find productive ways to engage. I’m going to vote my conscience. I’m never again going to “settle” for the lesser of two evils.

Most importantly? I’m going to shut the fuck up and stop being part of the problem. I quit.