The average life expectancy for an American male, according to the 2009 CIA World Factbook, is 75.65 years. This past August, I hit one of life’s more dubious milestones and turned the ripe-old-age of forty.
I’m already beyond middle-age.
Most of the time – hell, the bulk of the time - things like age and birthdays don’t add up to a tin shit to me. I really do believe, as cliché as it sounds, that age is nothing but a number and a state of mind. It’s how you think and feel that determines your “age”, not some number that corresponds to the day you were born. I know people a good fifteen years my senior that think and act like they’re still in their twenties. Likewise, I know folks in their twenties that have already grown crotchety and tentative – old long before their time.
I don’t feel forty, or what I imagined forty would feel like when I was in my 20’s. Not even close. I’m in decent shape, as far as the physical aspect goes. I’m fairly active. Sure, I’ve got some of the nagging aches and pains that come with age; but I’m pretty far ahead of the curve, all things considered. My mind is definitely still active. I read voraciously. I’m a news junkie. I’m pretty in tune with today’s cultural zeitgeist. I’m always seeking out new authors and filmmakers and musicians to further broaden my horizons. The collection of music on my ipod definitely doesn’t stop with shit published in 1987. Yes, indeed – I’m doing pretty well in my war with the grand hourglass.
So why is it that, lately, I feel like my life is slipping through my fingers?
Make no mistake, I’m not having some sort of existential crisis of the mid-life variety. I’m not having one of those, “What does it all mean?” conundrums. I’ve noticed, while peering through the window onto the soul that is Facebook, that many people I wouldn’t have expected have “found” religion as they’ve approached or reached the crest of life’s big hill. Maybe they’re true, honest conversions (if one believes there is such a thing); but I would hazard a guess that for some, it’s something to hold on to as they enter the uncharted waters of middle age. (I could be wrong. It’s hard for me to look objectively at religion, given my strong feelings on the subject.) No, my feelings as I begin the downhill portion of this existence aren’t so sweeping and grand as to have earth-shaking, spiritual undertones.
What I’ve been feeling lately, and what has caused me feelings of intermittent distress and melancholy, is more a culmination of little things.
This blog, for instance, is part of an attempt to address one of these nagging issues. I love to write. I’ve loved to write since I was a kid, sitting on the floor of my bedroom writing stories and fashioning the pages into books with staples and scotch tape. What I find is that I’m inherently lazy when it comes to putting pen to paper (or finger to keypad, in the parlance of our times). The real problem comes when I examine why I get lazy about something I’m so passionate about. Of course, the deeper I go down that rabbit-hole, the more I realize that a lot of it comes from the clichéd “fear of failure”. As much as I don’t want to be “that guy”, I am “that guy”. If I really put rubber to road and try my ass off to write and somehow parlay that into something bigger, and I fail, will that somehow sully this thing that I love? Is that even a relevant argument, since this fear keeps me from doing it on a regular basis anyway? I don’t know. It’s a thorny issue for me. One thing I can say for sure is that I’m going to make a concerted, committed effort to do this, as well as the fiction writing that I prefer, on a much more regular basis.
The fact that writing is one of the few things I truly love brings me to another conundrum: I’m 40 years old and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. (Ok, I do know, but I’m also aware of little things like odds, percentages, skewed perception of one’s own abilities, etc.) I have a job, and it serves a function in society and I feel like I do some good, no matter how small my contribution may be. However, I can’t disguise the fact that I feel adrift. I try to imagine doing my job for the rest of my life, and frankly the idea of it makes me fucking depressed. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not whining. I know that I’m lucky to have a job in these uncertain times. That being said, I sometimes feel that I’m slipping into this trap of mind-numbing complacency with every day that passes me by. I entertain other options, other career avenues, more education, and then my mind starts reeling with thoughts of debt and more time demands on a schedule that, quite frankly, doesn’t have a whole lot of room for more shit. It’s all overwhelming at times, and this feeling of overall angst is just rubbing me like an ill-fitting shoe.
Anyway, enough about that. On to bigger and better sources of angst.
My daughter turned 18 back in November. She’s now an adult in the eyes of the state, even though I still need to remind her to take the empty glasses from her bedroom and put them in the god damn dishwasher. She’s graduating from high school in a few months, and moving forward on her own path through life. This has caused me no end of stress and worry. It’s not her choices that worry me. It’s the fact that she’s grown up, leaving and striking out on her own, that stirs up all these emotions and fears. You know, standard Dad stuff. This subject is hard to talk about, because anything I throw up on this computer screen is going to sound trite, but I never imagined how hard it would be to see her grow up and go make her own life. I was never one of those parents who wanted my child to stay a little girl forever. I loved her as a little girl, but I found that I loved her in so many other ways as she grew and formed opinions and a unique personality. (The fact that she inherited the old man’s sick sense of humor didn’t hurt.) Little things these days make me look back over the years, back to when she was a little girl and things were much simpler. I know this is just garden-variety parent shit, and I’m at one of those emotional crossroads that parents reach with regularity. I’m truly happy that she found something she loves to do, and is going to set out to make a life out of it. In a purely selfish way though, looking back frames just how quickly 18 years, a quarter of my life, have passed by in a blur.
So here I sit at the supposed halfway (more or less) point of my existence, feeling sorry for myself. If you made it this far through this self-indulgent rant, then I owe you something. A box of Girl Scout cookies. A subscription to the Jelly of the month Club. Shoot me an email, and we’ll settle up.
I really don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. I’m not. In the grand scheme of things, I have a great life. I have a wonderful daughter, I’m in a great relationship, I have a job and a home and a great family. I’m not blind to how fortunate I am. All that being said, I still can’t stop from occasionally glancing over my shoulder and seeing that sand slowly trickle down through the narrow neck of that hourglass. I can’t help looking back over the years with a profound mixture of joy and sadness. I can’t help but look at the future with combined hope and uncertainty. Mostly, I can’t help but wonder why I fail to recognize that the only person who can shape my life into what I want it to be is me.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Hammer it Out Your Ass, Mitt Romney.
So I'm at job numero dos today, scanning the store's web page for upcoming book releases. I'm having a mellow morning, all things considered. Just dealing with a light customer flow and looking for some good, upcoming reads. As I'm scanning the lists, I see that Mitt Romney, Mormon and hair gel enthusiast, is releasing a book. I read the title, and my blood begins to percolate.
That title? "No Apology: The Case For American Greatness".
The first thing that frosts my balls is "No Apology". If there's one thing that just boggles my mind, it's this bullshit, macho idea that apology represents a form of weakness. The idea that, by admitting a wrong, we've somehow compromised ourselves. Aren't children taught from a young age that when you do something wrong, you apologize for it? Don't you, as a human being, expect an apology when you've been wronged? Don't you consider someone's ability to admit an error a sign of good character? So why, pray tell, do some people throw those basic ideas out the window when it comes to the notion of this country being conciliatory and admitting wrongs on the stage of world affairs?
Let's be honest, and put the patented phony patriotism this country is famous for on hold for a bit. I love this country. I think we, as Americans, are capable of great kindness and generosity and acceptance. But, and here's where the honesty comes in, I'm not blind to our faults. In addition to our more noble and admirable traits, we're also capable of atrocity and violence and selfishness and bigotry. Does it make me less of an American to admit our faults? Some would say yes. The segment of the population that thumps their chest, crowing, proclaiming America's superiority at every turn, would most definitely label me unpatriotic. I just find it strange that in this country, a land born of rebellion, some find it un-American to question the motives and actions of one's country. I think Gilbert K. Chesterson said it best: "My country, right or wrong is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, My mother, drunk or sober."
Lest you think I'm putting the cart before the horse and jumping to conclusions about Mitt's meaning, here's a quote from the book description:
"On his first presidential visit to address the European nations, President Obama felt it necessary to apologize for America’s international power. He repeated that apology when visiting Latin America, and again to Muslims worldwide in an interview broadcast on Al-Arabiya television."
As much as I want to crawl up Mitt's ass on a number of points, I'm going to stay on topic. The "apology". Look, I'm not entirely happy with the way Obama has approached his first term to date. He's been a corporatist and he hasn't been nearly progressive enough for my taste. But the idea that Obama apologized for "America's international power" is a big, steaming pile of horseshit on par with W's, "The terrorists hate us for our freedom" spiel. What Obama apologized for was America's haughty, arrogant attitude in dealing with the world. I'll let Obama's own words speak for themselves. Here's what he said in the speech Romney mentions:
"In America, there is a failure to appreciate Europe’s leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive."
Anyone want to challenge those assertions? I didn't think so. Ask anyone in France, and they'll tell you what happens when a country can't in good conscience follow America's lead. The French choose not to participate in the horror-show that is Iraq, and in America they're demonized for it. What did they really do? They said, "No thank you, America. We're sitting this bullshit out." America responds with name-calling, Toby Keith and a scathing renaming of the French fry.
But wait, there's more!
"In No Apology, Mitt Romney asserts that American strength is essential—not just for our own well-being, but for the world’s. Governments such as China and a newly-robust Russia threaten to overtake us on many fronts, and Islam continues its dangerous rise."
Mitt, part of America's strength should be our ability to admit when we're wrong. Do you know how many friends and allies we lost with the whole, "We're the toughest motherfuckers on the block and we don't answer to anyone" shit of the past eight years? How does alienating people make us stronger? How does acting like a bunch of smug, dismissive pricks do anything but harm?
Oh, and another thing - when a bunch of Christians go around bawling that they all can't be judged by the acts of a few bad apples, it's best not to judge all of Islam on the acts of a few. The growth of Islam is a "dangerous rise"? Get off it, you racist prick. Stop pandering to the fringe elements of your base and grow up.
As for "American Greatness"?
Have we, as a nation, been great? Absolutely. Will we be great heading into the future? Undoubtedly. Are we great all the time? Hardly. Nobody is. I think I'm a good person, but admittedly there are times when I fall short. We all do. We're all flawed, the people who make up this land; and by virtue of that this country, this collection of flawed humanity, is flawed as well. To deny those flaws, and to belittle those who admit to and apologize for them, is the height of arrogance and ignorance. What makes a nation great is the ability to be strong not just in bluster and military might, but strong in character and principle as well. Showing the world that we value them and their opinions, and don't just view them as a means to our own selfish ends, goes a long way toward showing true American greatness.
John Donne said, "No man is an island entire of itself." I think that applies to nations as well as individuals. Relationships based on mutual respect, honesty and the ability to concede past wrongs are essential. America must move beyond this posturing role as the biggest bully on the block, and realize that greatness often comes in the form of silent dignity, rather than bluster.
That title? "No Apology: The Case For American Greatness".
The first thing that frosts my balls is "No Apology". If there's one thing that just boggles my mind, it's this bullshit, macho idea that apology represents a form of weakness. The idea that, by admitting a wrong, we've somehow compromised ourselves. Aren't children taught from a young age that when you do something wrong, you apologize for it? Don't you, as a human being, expect an apology when you've been wronged? Don't you consider someone's ability to admit an error a sign of good character? So why, pray tell, do some people throw those basic ideas out the window when it comes to the notion of this country being conciliatory and admitting wrongs on the stage of world affairs?
Let's be honest, and put the patented phony patriotism this country is famous for on hold for a bit. I love this country. I think we, as Americans, are capable of great kindness and generosity and acceptance. But, and here's where the honesty comes in, I'm not blind to our faults. In addition to our more noble and admirable traits, we're also capable of atrocity and violence and selfishness and bigotry. Does it make me less of an American to admit our faults? Some would say yes. The segment of the population that thumps their chest, crowing, proclaiming America's superiority at every turn, would most definitely label me unpatriotic. I just find it strange that in this country, a land born of rebellion, some find it un-American to question the motives and actions of one's country. I think Gilbert K. Chesterson said it best: "My country, right or wrong is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, My mother, drunk or sober."
Lest you think I'm putting the cart before the horse and jumping to conclusions about Mitt's meaning, here's a quote from the book description:
"On his first presidential visit to address the European nations, President Obama felt it necessary to apologize for America’s international power. He repeated that apology when visiting Latin America, and again to Muslims worldwide in an interview broadcast on Al-Arabiya television."
As much as I want to crawl up Mitt's ass on a number of points, I'm going to stay on topic. The "apology". Look, I'm not entirely happy with the way Obama has approached his first term to date. He's been a corporatist and he hasn't been nearly progressive enough for my taste. But the idea that Obama apologized for "America's international power" is a big, steaming pile of horseshit on par with W's, "The terrorists hate us for our freedom" spiel. What Obama apologized for was America's haughty, arrogant attitude in dealing with the world. I'll let Obama's own words speak for themselves. Here's what he said in the speech Romney mentions:
"In America, there is a failure to appreciate Europe’s leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive."
Anyone want to challenge those assertions? I didn't think so. Ask anyone in France, and they'll tell you what happens when a country can't in good conscience follow America's lead. The French choose not to participate in the horror-show that is Iraq, and in America they're demonized for it. What did they really do? They said, "No thank you, America. We're sitting this bullshit out." America responds with name-calling, Toby Keith and a scathing renaming of the French fry.
But wait, there's more!
"In No Apology, Mitt Romney asserts that American strength is essential—not just for our own well-being, but for the world’s. Governments such as China and a newly-robust Russia threaten to overtake us on many fronts, and Islam continues its dangerous rise."
Mitt, part of America's strength should be our ability to admit when we're wrong. Do you know how many friends and allies we lost with the whole, "We're the toughest motherfuckers on the block and we don't answer to anyone" shit of the past eight years? How does alienating people make us stronger? How does acting like a bunch of smug, dismissive pricks do anything but harm?
Oh, and another thing - when a bunch of Christians go around bawling that they all can't be judged by the acts of a few bad apples, it's best not to judge all of Islam on the acts of a few. The growth of Islam is a "dangerous rise"? Get off it, you racist prick. Stop pandering to the fringe elements of your base and grow up.
As for "American Greatness"?
Have we, as a nation, been great? Absolutely. Will we be great heading into the future? Undoubtedly. Are we great all the time? Hardly. Nobody is. I think I'm a good person, but admittedly there are times when I fall short. We all do. We're all flawed, the people who make up this land; and by virtue of that this country, this collection of flawed humanity, is flawed as well. To deny those flaws, and to belittle those who admit to and apologize for them, is the height of arrogance and ignorance. What makes a nation great is the ability to be strong not just in bluster and military might, but strong in character and principle as well. Showing the world that we value them and their opinions, and don't just view them as a means to our own selfish ends, goes a long way toward showing true American greatness.
John Donne said, "No man is an island entire of itself." I think that applies to nations as well as individuals. Relationships based on mutual respect, honesty and the ability to concede past wrongs are essential. America must move beyond this posturing role as the biggest bully on the block, and realize that greatness often comes in the form of silent dignity, rather than bluster.
Now Even Bloggier!
So this is my new blog. Same stuff, different name. Meet the new blog, same as the old blog, as it were.
Why the change? I'm certain that I won't reside in the Northeast forever, and frankly the old blog title - Dispatches From the Great Northeast - felt confining.
I like the new name. It works on more than a few levels, I think.
Christ, I really need to write more. My output is pathetic. Here's to changing all that. Like I haven't said that before...
Why the change? I'm certain that I won't reside in the Northeast forever, and frankly the old blog title - Dispatches From the Great Northeast - felt confining.
I like the new name. It works on more than a few levels, I think.
Christ, I really need to write more. My output is pathetic. Here's to changing all that. Like I haven't said that before...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)