First off, let me start by wishing everyone a happy New Year! Hello, 2012 and goodbye, 2011! Out with the old and in with the new! Oh, and did I mention that we’re all going to die?
It’s true. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but apparently 2012 is the year that Quetzalcoatl returns and a rogue planet smashes into Earth and pestilence and famine and Newt Gingrich are unleashed upon the planet by four badass horsemen in dusty leathers, driving hybrid SUVs. Finally, after many false predictions of our imminent demise, the Mayans have come along to make good on the threat of extinction. This is it, folks - the year it finally goes shithouse.
First, let’s indulge in a brief primer on this 2012 thing. Apparently the Mayan calendar ends on 12/21/2012. So one ancient civilization’s calendar ends and it’s lights out, humanity? If you listen to the “experts”, many of which have all manner of 2012 doomsday books to peddle, the answer is an emphatic yes. 2012 will not only be the year of the inevitable Russell Brand/Katy Perry divorce, but it will also be the year of the return of feathered serpents and a cornucopia of blackened suns and plagues and boiling seas. Never mind the fact that these conclusions are based on a complete misunderstanding of the basic workings of the Mayan long-count calendar. “It ends in 2012, so we’re clearly right and proper fucked!” (The calendar of fancy chickens hanging in my kitchen ended on 12/31/2011, and the planet hasn’t been sucked into a black hole yet. Make of that what you will.)
The slightly boring truth is that the Mayan calendar was divided into cycles, and the calendar ends when it does because a cycle comes to an end and then along came the Spanish with their Jesus and their diseases and their lust for gold and good ole’ fashioned conquering and putting people to death with swords - thus the end of the Mayan calendar. There was no plotting of the next cycle because, well, the Europeans did what they did best upon arriving in the new world, and that was to exterminate the indigenous cultures. So the long-count calendar was replaced with a more Jesus-friendly calendar. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. It makes perfect sense when you look at it realistically, but damned if it isn’t dull. No wonder the more wacky theories took hold. Feathered serpents beat out that boring cultural subjugation every time.
Planetary doom aside, there’s another 2012 theory held by the crystal-gazers that still buy Yanni CDs which postulates that 2012 isn’t the literal end of humanity, but a spiritual end. In some new age circles, 2012 is when all of humanity spiritually evolves into the next level of existence. Have these people seen any coverage of the GOP debates? If you can watch that collection of piss-poor excuses for human beings and still postulate that we’re on the cusp of spiritual evolution, then you’re a better person than I am. If anything, we seem to be going in the opposite direction of forward, from the perspective of evolving. Every year we seem to devolve even more, from where I’m standing.
Look, I’d love to buy into this idea of spiritual evolution. I’d love for humanity to suddenly open their eyes and grasp the simple yet elusive truth that we’re all one. We’re all connected, and everything that we do on this spinning rock effects everyone else is some way, shape or form. I’d love for humanity to denounce greed and selfishness and hate and move forward together. That being said, I wrack my brain and yet I can’t think of what it would take to make that happen. I sat drinking coffee with my best and oldest friend the other night, and I said, “I really achieved some level of inner peace when I grasped and accepted the fact that we’re an incredibly stupid species that are destined to extinct ourselves.” It’s pathetic, but it’s the truth. This, everything around us, is simply not going to end well. Christ, we can’t even sustainably use our resources to ensure our survival, because our greed and selfishness overrides our common sense. Imagine that…a species that consciously destroys its habitat in the name of material possessions and money and power. How can that species possibly embrace spiritual evolution? I mean, a lot of them can’t even accept physical evolution despite the evidence in front of their faces. It’s enough to make you wonder if we don’t deserve destruction at the hands of some feathered Mayan deity. At least if it happened now, the rest of the innocent species on planet Earth might have a shot at it when the plague of humanity is gone.
So now what? How do I proceed in 2012? Well, I proceed with cautious optimism and hope. I continue to give humanity the benefit of the doubt, even though that fades a bit with every passing year. I go into this fresh and shiny year with the hope that if 2012 does indeed have some cosmic surprises in store, they’re more of the spiritual awakening variety instead of the celestial shit storm that finally rubs us from the annals of history. I hope that we can see clear to stop being such selfish assholes, and go forward with love and respect and kindness. At this point we deserve to be on the shitty end of a celestial cleansing. Let’s start this crazy year by turning all that around.
Dare to dream, right? Dare to dream.
