A Permanence Problem

I have a problem with permanence. Actually, if you want to split hairs, I have a problem with what seems to be an overall lack of permanence.

I'm not here to tout the virtues of all things permanent. Hell, I think a great chunk of life shouldn't be permanent. In many ways, permanence breeds complacency and laziness and a general withering of one's desire to seek out the new and exciting. If not exciting, at least just different for different's sake. That being said, I think there are a few areas of this life we're born tethered to that are best served by a little permanence.

I guess my problem primarily lies in a lack of permanence in regards to people. Relationships. Loves. Friends. Family. I guess my problem is that I labor under a childish, naive idea that some relationships are so strong that time cannot cast them asunder. The idea that you can depend on people. Even as I write this sentence, I realize the sheer stupidity of my thought process in this regard.

The old saying goes something like, "you can't pick your family, you can't pick who you fall in love with - the only thing you can pick are your friends."

I don't have a lot of real, true, "call them to help me bury a body" friends. I have a lot of "casual" friends, and I don't intend to belittle them. But I think everyone knows what I mean when I talk about those true friends. I think their value rises as you age, because time has the nasty tendency to strip away friends like brittle, dying leaves in an October wind. You have those deep friendships, simply put, because of that "stripping away". The friends you have when you're older are the friends who have stood the test. Weathered the storms. It's friendship by attrition, and sometimes you just have to sit back and say, "God damn, I'm glad I picked that guy/girl." In the realm of the friend, it's easy to dismiss the losses and the friends that fell by the wayside because those constants are always there. Even in the face of a failed friendship, you're still anchored by those people that have been there for you time and time again. Failure doesn't look so bad when it's placed in the immense shadow of success.

Family is another beast. Ask a random sampling, and get them to answer honestly, and I'll bet at least half would say what I say about a large portion of my family - "If I wasn't related to them, I'd want nothing to do with them." I'm sure judging has begun. For some reason, a large portion of the populace is deeply troubled when they hear you don't get along with your family. Somehow that's a poor reflection on you. Honestly? I think most of these people despise their family - they just don't have the balls to admit it. Don't get me wrong, I have some family members that I love. However, there's a big chunk of them that are selfish, unthinking, uncaring and self-centered. I've been lashed out at, shunned, judged and just plain shit on by these people regularly and often over the years. I guess the philosophy I've adopted is that I don't care if we share blood. The bottom line is, an asshole is an asshole is an asshole. I'm not giving any more free passes just because someone shares my last name. This bothers me, make no mistake. I have romantic notions of family, and I get downright wistful during movies where large families full of quirky characters gather for Holidays or weddings. I want that. Thing is, I don't have it. The best I can do is keep the amazing relationship I have with my daughter and go from there. She'll probably get married some day, and I might eventually find someone who sticks around - so there's hope we can build something big and fun and funky down the road.

I guess the area that hits me the hardest is love. It hits me much harder than disappearing friends and self-absorbed family. I think this is the case because these people get into our lives so deeply. In order for love to work, you have to let them in...all the way in. I don't need to tell you how dangerous that game is. They get in there and they get comfortable and then you get comfortable. Next thing you know they're rampaging around in there like the running of the bulls and then they're just...gone. They're gone, and they leave this huge hole behind. This is where I have the proble, really. I'm not just talking about that temporary hole that everyone gets post-relationship-collapse. I'm talking about the one that stays. The one that years later makes me sit and think, "This person was ingrained in my life for years. Now? Just gone." This lack of permanence depresses me, even if on damn near every other level I know that this person being ancient history is the best thing for me.

I need therapy.

So what of permanence? There are things in life that I'll probably always enjoy and, on the flip-side, not enjoy. There are things in life that are fluid, and will constantly shift and change. This is as it should be. New horizons. Change is good, my friends. Shake the shit out of those doldrums. I get that, and I embrace it. I still can't shake that feeling of deep sadness when someone slips out of your life after being in there long enough to have left their mark.